Poetry - Work in Progress

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Poetry - Work in Progress

Post by Susieflooks on Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:32 pm

As a budding poet, I thought that I would post some of the poems that I have been working on. The first, Fallen Flowers was a written for the class 18 months ago so some will have seen it. I am hoping to have polished it enough to enter it for a competition later in the year - there is likely to be something about the centenary of the end of WW1. Any thoughts are welcomed!

Fallen Flowers

New dawn blazes morning glory
and sunflowers,
blooming peace - or victory.

But battle joins. Again.
Lillies of the valley scythed short.
Violets broken and bruised
release the fetid sweet
scent of decaying youth.

Black eyed, sad eyed Susan weeps,
her rose coloured remembrances destroyed.
Forget-us-not.

Susieflooks

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Re: Poetry - Work in Progress

Post by Graham on Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:44 pm

Hi Susan, welcome to the forum. You are the first to brave the waters.

Poetry is not my forté so please forgive my clumsy attempts at a critique.

I like the idea of using the names of the flowers for their meaning – morning glory and sunflowers for dawn and black eyed susan weeping.
The best lines for me are the last four of the middle stanza especially ‘the fetid sweet scent of decaying youth.’ The bits that don’t quite work are the two broken lines ‘blooming peace – or victory’ and ‘But battle joins – again’. It may be you want to jolt the reader but it doesn’t seem like the right place. It feels as if there should be more in the first stanza, making more of the contrast between flowers and tragedy.

Good luck with it.

Graham
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