When Willie Met Mae

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When Willie Met Mae

Post by DavidK on Sun May 13, 2018 6:02 pm

When Willie Met Mae

Scene 1 – A class room.

Teacher: So, what did we make of von Trier’s “Breaking the Waves”? Mae, would you like to lead off?
Mae: Er, I liked it.
Gerald: Very perceptive.
Teacher: What did you enjoy about the film, Mae?
Mae: Well, I thought the hand held camera and the grainy film lent the story a strong feeling of realism. And the surreal ending worked well as a counterpoint to what had gone before.
Gerald: Sorry Mae, that’s pathetic. I like to watch art-house film with the sound turned off to fully appreciate the mise-en-scene.
Teacher: Constructive criticism please Gerald.
Gerald: I know, but that’s difficult when Mae’s analysis is so puerile. The hand held camera is a trope, it’s been done to death. It’s von Trier’s failed attempt to muscle in the Dogme 95 group.
Willie: Sorry tae interrupt, Gerry boy, but are you still livin’ at number 67?
Gerald: I don’t see what that’s got… Oh..
Willie: I jist thought ah might pop roon’ this evening an’ extract yer adverbs.
Gerald: Is that a threat?
Willie: Naw. It’s mair o’ a promise.
Gerald: There’s no need for that sort of thing. I was merely..
Willie: Bein’ rude tae Mae. Ah think a wee apology is in order, considerin’ (a) von Trier is the founder o’ the Dogme school, (b) he deliberately broke a’ the rules for Breaking the Waves, an’ (c) yer a pretentious wee shite.
Gerald: Eh, nothing personal Mae. Sorry if I sounded over critical.
Teacher: Well, now that order has been restored, can we get back to analysis of the film please?

Scene 2 – the class is breaking up
Mae: William, I just wanted to thank you.
Willie: The name’s Willie, an’ it wiz nothin’. Ah wid dae the same fur a white wumin’.
Mae: But I am …. Oh I see, that’s your pawky West Coast sense of humour.
Willie: Naw, that’s ma inherent West Coast racism, o’ which am no very proud.
Mae: Oh. Well, I was very interested in your views on Dogme 95. Could I persuade you to join me for a coffee to expand a little on your analysis?
Willie: Sorry, Doll. Ma body’s a temple. Ah dinnae put artificial stimulants intae it. Some punters think ah’m ower stimulated awready. Onyway, ah’m mer o’ a Spaghetti Western man masel’.
Mae: Oh, of course not. I didn’t mean…
Willie: However, ah could murder a pint, an’ ah’m prepared tae break the habit o’ a lifetime jist fur you.
Mae: Well, perhaps a small sherry would be in order.

Scene 3 in the pub
Mae: Willie, I must thank you again for the way you rode to my rescue, like a knight in shining armour, protecting my honour.
Willie: Och, the wee ponce had it comin’. Ah could nip back an panel him fur ye if ye like.
Mae: That won’t be necessary, thank you. The pen is mightier than the sword.
Willie: If you say so , Doll, but ah widnae might a couple o’ quid on the sword if it came tae it.
Mae: Willie, I believe you are something of a rough diamond. Beneath that tough-as-teak exterior lurks..
Willie: …. A right bastard.
Mae: I think not. By the way, Dancer in the Dark is on at the Cameo next week. Would you…
Willie: Ah’d love tae. Mind you, we’ve only jist met, an already ye’ve introduced me tae the demon drink. Ah hope ah’m safe wi’ you in the dark.
Mae: You should be so lucky!
Willie: Ah hope yer interested in findin’ oot aboot the real me, an no jist efter ma body.
Mae: Chance would be a fine thing. Although you do deserve a reward for your chivalry. Perhaps a hug and a sisterly kiss would be in order.
Willie: Aw right. But no tongues, mind. Well, no on a first date.

DavidK

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